“I don’t hate home. I hate how I feel when I’m back there.”
That’s a message that I sent a couple of hours ago to my boyfriend. We were talking, I had my first BarreAmped class and when I read the text those words came out without too much thinking. On the other hand, my last days had been full of thoughts. I’m 5 months away from going back home and basically, everyone with whom I have a pretty deep conversation knows how bad this makes me feel.
It’s a couple of days that I’ve been living with this terrible heaviness on my chest. Even crying didn’t help to relieve the anxiety. I’ve never struggled with those kinds of things. I’ve always been a pretty relaxed person. On exam days, it was normal to be nervous but I’ve never experienced such a feeling. Only after that sentence, all the heaviness went away and I started to breathe again.
For almost two years I lived in this bubble that’s the au pair program: I had my own car, my room, my independence and a job. If you find a good host family all those things come pretty easily and I’ve been really lucky. I’ve traveled, I had fun. Now, looking at my future and seeing my move back to Italy come closer I panicked.
At home, I’m still the Elena that people knew before I left. They don’t know that I practice yoga. They don’t know what I’ve been thru in this year. They don’t know that I changed, I grew a lot and I realized a lot of things. Now I can argue with you, I don’t hide afraid of what people may think of my opinion. I’ve learned to admit if I’m wrong. I’ve learned how to use my brain in a situation in which before I would have just given up, most of all when it comes to math. I go out. I have fun. I talk with strangers and I’m not shy anymore. I’m aware of myself. I think speaking another language, putting myself in another environment pushed me so much further that now I don’t want to go back. And I know it may sound crazy thinking that just going back may bring the old me out but it’s that what scares me the most.
When I think how I felt back in Italy I can only see dark and a word comes to my mind: STUCK. I was stuck and that’s what I hate about going back home. This feeling back in me. Here I feel unstoppable, capable of doing everything. I feel my future brighter. I know it’s going to be harder about the visa but even that doesn’t stop me. It scares me the most go back to Italy than working my ass off to find a way to stay here. I know, a lot of people may think it’s just crazy. If you go back home you have your family, your friends, your country. I love my family and I love my friends but what you love it doesn’t always mean it is right for you. And I truly wished I was the girl who missed home so much she just wanted to go back, but it’s not me, not now.
I know it’s going to be hard, going back home. But after days of being anxious and negative, I now feel like I can achieve everything. I just have to keep reminding myself that yeah, I can go back to Italy for a period of time, but I can never go back to the Elena that I was before. I’m not going to allow it.